Playing Ketchup

Posted: April 7, 2010 in Life, Perspective

Here is just a blog to catch you up on where I am at in my life (an outline of some the recent events), so you know where I am coming from. and so we can move forward.

Last semester was a dark time in my life. I’m not gonna go into a lot of detail (if you really wanna know you can ask me in person), but I did a lot of things that I promised myself I’d never do. So coming into Christmas break, I wanted to do a lot of reflecting and self-discovery to get out of my ‘rut’. In short, I had all but given up on God. I had a lot of questions. A lot of confusion. And I couldn’t let go of my selfish desires. I needed to unplug my God-canceling head phones– you know the ones that feed you to lies and depression, the ones that move you to loneliness and mental & physical self-inflicted pain–I think you get the picture. I needed to get away from the Burg, my everyday life, and look at things from the outside; from a place where I felt somewhat stable and centered. That place, for me, was my parents home in Eureka, MO. At home I could waste away my day on sleeping, cleaning house, reading (The Blue Parakeet by Scot McKnight), movie watching with my sister/bf, praying, and spending time with my parents (something I don’t get to do that often anymore). **Side Note: I also didn’t mind eating home-cooked meals instead of the dining hall. I wasn’t worried about fulfilling requirements and expectations of my peers, my ‘christian’ affiliations, my job as a RA, and most of all, myself. Though nothing magical or mystical happened over break; I just recharged and kinda hit the refresh button on my life.

I came back in January empty-handed, bright-eyed, and ready for adventure. Boy did I get adventure…but in not the way I would have expected. When I hear ‘adventure’ I think of things like swimming in a lake, or running in the woods, or doing something crazy spontaneous with friends. When I hear ‘adventure’ I don’t immediately think of it to cause more pain than pleasure, especially in the mental department. Oh know, right? “Geez, not again! When you gonna get it together man?”

This adventure came in the form of a petite, brown-eyed, brunette, dynamite-packaged girl. For the sake of privacy and personal humor I’ll refer to her as “Blackbird”. Blackbird came in my life very peacefully and joyously. She had a special wit and charm about her that continually drew me in to wanting to get to know her more. And the more I got to know, the more I thought I might be falling in love. More or less, she was all the things I had ever wanted in a girl. I don’t have a lot of crazy expectations like, “we have to kiss on the third date, and no sooner”; but Blackbird exceeded my desires immensely. For any of you who know me, you know that I’ve never been in love, so for me to even utter such rhetoric is quite unexpected. Anyways, I fell hard and fast. She seemed to be falling just as fast as I. It culminated to me crazily thinking that this girl, even though I had been with her for  a few weeks, could be the girl who I spend the rest of my life with. I thought that all that pain and depression I had been through was finally gonna be over. That she was the unexpected answer to my prayers for help. I thought that things were coming full circle, and life was gonna start turning around for the good now.  I’m not crazy; Blackbird was just that amazing to me. Seems too good to be true….well it was. The day after Valentines Day, she broke up with me giving me this bible verse- “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be Praised!” humunaWHAT!! Messed up huh? I was crushed. I sulked the whole next day, but then that night (it was a Tuesday) she and I talked. Things healed up a bit. Three nights later, Blackbird’s directional confusion was more clarified and she wanted to be with me again. I readily accepted her back, but with a bit of distrust and uneasiness. For I didn’t know when she would wake up and decide one day that we ‘weren’t meant to be’ again. Three weeks later, after a few days of bickering over petty things, it happened again. Only this time we just called it quits. So backtrack here…in about 6 weeks I went from falling in love, to having that love rug pulled out from under me, to accepting it back, to letting it be pulled out from under me again. Even though I look at myself a fool for the whole thing, it still hurts….it hurts a lot.

But through all this mess I’ve learned some things about myself, the world around me, and the God that loves me. That is what my upcoming posts will be about. The lessons I’ve learned. I would consider myself a thinker, an idealist; and sometimes I would rather just learn new wisdoms and knowledge by merely thinking. But I’ve learned that maybe God is a little more ‘hands on’ in his approach to revealing himself to us. In my own personal life, I’ve learned a lot more from my experiences and struggles than from philosophizing over a cup of java.

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Comments
  1. Beth Ray says:

    Why haven’t you blogged sooner. This is beautiful.

    I’m uber jealous.

  2. 25BAR says:

    What did you do last summer?

  3. the.red.gill says:

    I worked at a Mission in Texas. One of the most memorable/awesome experiences of my life.

  4. Kayla says:

    Oh my gosh JT. I wanna give you a hug so much right now. Heartbreak freaking sucks more than words can even describe.

    I’ve been blogging about and dealing with it for the last few weeks, and I completely and entirely feel you more than you even realize.

    God is a god of hope and love. Even when I feel zero love from the dude who effed up big time, I ultimately have come back to God, searching for the healing I know only he can bring.

    Love you man.

  5. the.red.gill says:

    thanks kayla. i could tell something was up last time we talked at java. things will get better…or atleast they did for me. Like you said, God is the foundation of hope and love. And acquiring a loving and thankful spirit is empowering. It exudes confidence and allows you to just let go and enjoy life for its beauty….lol im starting to rant.
    thanks for reading friend. keep me posted on your life and well-being.

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